Bring on the light! Carrot cake, to celebrate Bruce’s birthday, August 7, 2019.
Everyone who’s lost someone dear has a lot of “firsts” to face the year following their loved one’s death. Bruce was born August 7, 1948. This Wednesday was his first birthday without him. My inner fourteen-year-old Lily and I put our heads together and decided that, instead of mourning and moping, we’d celebrate. After all, we are very happy that Bruce was born!
As such, we converted August 7th into a celebration called Brucemas. We worked out the needed components- -food, music, vestments, ceremonies of renewal- -and made a day of it.
Throughout the day we played his favorite CDs- -Ronstadt, Everly Brothers, Fleetwood Mac and especially Bob Seger. Bruce had an affinity for Seger, having lived in Detroit himself as a young man.
Selecting gifts for someone who has passed on can be tricky. His favorite pocket watch, the one I’d given him on his 60th birthday with a fitting sentiment engraved on the back, had stopped running near the time he died. I took it to a jewelry store and had the battery replaced. It now sits on my dresser, running like a dream and reminding me of Bruce with every sweep of the second hand. To symbolize the renewal of life, I planted two rows of late-season carrots.
Many of Bruce’s birthdays were celebrated on the road for summer tour in our RV-conversion bus. For a long time Bruce had a wheat intolerance so I stowed a gluten-free cake mix in with our provisions and wrestled the funky old propane stove into doing my bidding on August 7th. Depending on our campsite, the finished product could have quite a slope, but the results were always edible. I baked a cake this year, carrot, one of his three favorites. So easy in a level kitchen!
The official Brucemas libation is the Matley Manhattan, light on red vermouth, with home-grown sour cherries instead of maraschino. It was appallingly hot in Walla Walla this August 7th, so we kept dinner light- -smoked salmon, hummus, raw vegetables and French bread baked that day from John’s Wheatland Bakery. Lily reminded me to wear something pretty for cocktails and dinner. Bruce especially liked my red strapless sundress. It’s the first time I’ve worn it this year.
Celebrating Brucemas with a light dinner on a hot Walla Walla day.
I feel fortunate to have landed on the idea of Brucemas. So many widows and widowers spend birthdays, anniversaries and holidays feeling only the loss while struggling not to show it to friends and family. On special days it’s hard to be around people who are trying to jolly you up because they love you and want you to be happy. I was glad Brucemas was celebrated with just those of us at home- -me, Lily and the 4-legged kids (who scored catnip and homemade dog biscuits). I did have a bit of a cry and will admit that I was emotionally drained by evening but in the end, celebrating and feeling mostly happy seemed right.
Happy Brucemas to you.
Celebrating in my Brucemas finery. Photo by Bruce himself at our Prescott place, July 7, 2017.
I guess you had three choices. You could ignore it (not going to happen) be sad and teary the whole day and mourn what you don’t have or celebrate that Bruce was born and honor his day. I, like you, prefer the third choice. I would also want my loved ones to do the same. I can’t really see Frank baking a cake but my son-in-law totally would.
And of course, you’re partial to my German Chocolate layer cake. . .besides being unusual, I find celebrating instead of mourning cathartic. It keeps the good things about our life together in focus.
Thank you for sharing your Brucemas.
What a lovely and loving day of memories.
Thank you, Shary. Any time I can figure out a positive approach, I take it! Love to you, Susan
Enjoyed reading this, Susan. After my ex-husband’s second wife died two years ago, he was dreading the first of her birthdate’s without her, and he appreciated my suggesting that he just devote the day to thinking about her and their time together instead of trying to avoid thinking about her that day. Cudos to you for coming up with a newly named holiday.
It seemed like the right thing to do and my inner 14-year-old was with me all the way! Thanks for reading, Linnea.
Not sure how that apostrophe crept into birthdates – the keyboard gremlins are at it again. Also kudos, not cudos. I need a proof-reader today.
Darned old keyboard, anyway!
That’s beautiful, Susan. I’m so glad you found such a meaningful way to spend the day. And I’m glad you have a way to communicate with the outer world that shares what’s happening in your inner world. It helps bring us there with you, so you’re not totally alone with it.
Thank you, Jennifer. I believe there’s every bit as much meaning in happy celebrations as in sad ones, when you have the emotional space to make that choice. The interest and support of everyone who reads the blog is a big part of my healing. Thank you for your friendship!