Last gasp of a limited diet prior to medical procedure. . .

The older I get, the more I fear being limited. Less flexibility, less skin elasticity, no more deep fried foods and no reasonable expectation of being cast as Annie in the musical by that name. This week, however, has given me a new appreciation for the options still open to me. This week, I’ve encountered two and a half days of a severely limited diet.

Prepping for a medical procedure can be entertaining, if it’s happening to somebody else. I will not name the procedure I endured this past Tuesday. Suffice it to say, if you’re over fifty your doctor will bring it up every five to ten years. My doctor recently skewered me with a gimlet eye and said, “If your insurance covers this, there’s no better screening for. . .” well, you know.

Sunday evening: After today’s limited diet of cottage cheese, yogurt and chicken noodle soup, the neighbors present us with a cherry pie, made with our own homegrown cherries. It’s red. It had fiber. It’s shelved until Tuesday afternoon.

Monday, 11 AM: Coffee, Tea, Chicken Broth, Apple Juice and Water. 64 ounces of Water, minimum. Somehow, this is easier than yesterday’s limited diet.  I had some gardening to do this morning- -harvesting onions, which I now think of as “nose hits” (an expression favored by pot smokers in my high school days).

Monday, 11:07 AM: Toast! What do you mean, no toast? The thought of biting into a piece of buttered toast, made from bread with tons of fiber and plenty of seeds, is driving me mad!

Monday, 11:08 AM: I’m better now. Water is really very filling.

Monday, 12:09 PM: Just finished reviewing the proof copy of a short story. I’m really excited that “Transformed” will be in the Unintended Consequences anthology from WolfSinger Publications. Funny, I never realized how much eating happens in this story. Where’s that apple juice?

Monday, 12:30 PM: When in agony, write Haiku:

Rice cake crumbs on counter/Eyes turn to Heaven/Is there no mercy?

Monday, 2:35 PM: Relatively calm. Trying not to speculate as to why it is necessary to take a pill for nausea at 5:30 PM after taking 4 other pills half an hour prior.

Monday, 4:23 PM: Playing Solitaire. I often play a few hands before dinner. Never realized it makes me salivate.

Monday, 5:48 PM: Pills down. Mysterious bottle to mix with water on the horizon. Fade to black. . .

Tuesday, 8 AM: Checked weight. 114 pounds. Not bad, if I were six inches shorter. Applied makeup to boost BMI.  Note to self: for Halloween, go as skeleton.

Tuesday, 9:40 AM: Checked in at surgery center after quick dash to restroom. Pad on gurney is heated, as is blanket. Veins doing their level best to hide from pre-op nurse. Husband listens for post-op instructions that I am told I will not remember. Warned not to go online today; shown photo of stuffed raccoon a prior patient bought on e-Bay for $300 while still under the influence of anesthesia.

Tuesday, 10:10 AM: Wheeled in to operating room. Oxygen feed stuffed into nose and anesthesia enters IV drip. Just go with it, one of the nurses says.

A bit later: Post-op nurse handing me coffee with half-and-half. Nothing ever tasted so good. Doctor says everything checked out fine; I get a 10-year warranty. Rice cake with cheddar cheese on the way home. Tastes even better than the coffee. Husband makes salmon dinner. Note to self: keep husband.

Today. Back to the chaos of normal life. Still, the mystery remains for some: what medical procedure did I experience earlier this week? Send me a one word message identifying the medical procedure that is the subject of this week’s blog and I will enter your name in a drawing for a copy of the Unintended Consequences anthology, due out this month from WolfSinger Publications! You can do this via Facebook or the Contact page of my website (Mom, you can enter via “snail mail”). Everyone except me is qualified to enter. Entries accepted through July 15, 2016.

Be well, travel safe, and if you’re in the USA enjoy the food, fun and festivity of Independence Day without limit. Tuesday will be here soon enough.

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