Manners: can they lead to “harder drugs” like etiquette?
These days, it seems like differences in opinions, outlooks and lifestyles are the fodder for people treating each other as, well, Other. The media and the politicians encourage the fallacy that people with different points of view are irreconcilable enemies. They do this, of course, for gains in clicks and campaign contributions. As a result, We, The People, are becoming hardened toward each other. This division is exacerbated by a huge percentage of us paying more attention to what’s on the tiny screens in our hands than what’s going on around us. Including the presence of other people. Our failure to acknowledge each other illustrates a pathetic and unnecessary loss of common, day-to-day manners.
Like saying please and thank you?
Exactly, 9!
Sometimes I get confused between manners and etiquette.
According to an unidentified online source (possibly our ubiquitous friend AI?): “Etiquette is a code of conduct and a set of societal rules that acts as a catalyst for positive human interactions. On the other hand, manners are behaviors that reflect a person’s attitude.”
Etiquette sounds hard.
I agree, 9. Here’s an example of etiquette from the 1963 printing of Betty White’s Teen-Age Dance Book:
Etiquette: Much more complicated than manners!
Interesting. It sounds more like a military exercise than a dance.
Etiquette changed a lot between 1963 and when you started going to dances in 1971, Lily.
But we digress.
I often feel discouraged by our parched wasteland of nearly extinct manners, but this desert has an oasis, right here in Walla Walla. It’s called the YMCA.
I hardly think of an athletic facility as a hotbed of good manners.
I used to share your opinion, Lily. But it’s not all grunting and sweating and stinky socks! Good manners are present the minute you walk in the door. Before that, even, when members wander in a few at a time. Someone’s always holding the front door for someone else, and most people say Thank you. Not only that, the reply is usually You’re welcome.
But that’s just manners, isn’t it?
Yes, I think so. But these days it’s more common to hear the response No Problem.
Since when is holding a door open for someone a problem?
I know, right? “No problem” has a very different sense than “you’re welcome.” It’s the difference between words that sound grudging and words that sound gracious. “No problem” has become normalized in our society. I’ve fallen prey to unintentionally using it myself. I am actively trying to correct that.
At the Y, the good manners don’t stop at the door. The front desk is staffed with people who smile and greet you, often by name. In the weight room, people wait their turn if the equipment they want is in use. Locker room conversations are friendly. At the pool we might feel grudging on the inside if asked to share a lane but mostly people are cooperative and keep a pleasant face on it. It’s a good feeling, to know there’s still one place, anyway, where good manners are the norm.
Unfortunately, throughout today’s society there is a more destructive kind of normalization. We receive a constant stream of information on our screens, telling us to dislike and disparage people with different political opinions than our own. Or people of different ethnic or religious backgrounds, economic levels, or gender preferences. Honestly, I think most of us are feeling raw from this. And it’s hard not to conclude that, when a complete stranger cuts you off in traffic or ignores you in a public setting such as a grocery store, they are doing it because they don’t like who, or what, they perceive you to be.
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would go a long way toward mending our society if we focused on going back to the basics of thank you/you’re welcome; yes, please; no, thank you; good morning/afternoon/evening to passing strangers; waiting your turn at four-way stops; opening a door for someone who is loaded down with bags or packages.
We need to look away from the media, and the politicians, and up from our damn screens to find these opportunities again.
Amen! I really do not like seeing so many of our population not paying attention to the beautiful world around us because they don’t look up from those little black objects and screens. I especially think it’s a very bad habit for our youth who have no training or understanding of interaction with the people around them…whether they “know” them or not. Every day in Port Townsend I check out all the mountains, the water that surrounds us, and of course almost always acknowledge my neighbors and friends on the street…as I know you do (and is done) in Walla Walla (having lived there quite a few years there myself with my four sons.
So I absolutely agree with you on this Susan–nicely done!
Thanks for your comments, Sally. I agree, there is so much beauty in the world if you just look up and out!! It makes me sad to think of how many people are missing this. . .
Brava! And thank you.
You are welcome, Margo!