Ownership: Yes for a house, no for people!
In case you didn’t know, I’ve been married three times. To some, this may infer that I’m an expert on marriage. Given the turnover rate I would argue the opposite. But after months of solitary COVID-enforced rumination and reflection, there is something I believe I’ve come to understand quite well: the perils of ownership.
I’m not talking about objects- -clothes, cars, a house. I’m talking about people, married people in particular. Marriage, as anyone on the inside of it can tell you, can be a difficult undertaking. But it can really go off the rails when one or both spouses behave as if they own each other.
Ownership isn’t limited to married couples or other romantic pairs, of course. Look closely and you can see it within families, between friends. The phenomenon of one person telling the other person what they can say or do or think.
Thank goodness we’re not like that.
Ditto. We’re you, and you’re us, but none of us is the boss of the others.
That’s something I truly appreciate about you, Lily and 9 (my inner 14-year-old and inner 9-year-old, respectively). The two of you are in and of your own time. I couldn’t change you even if I wanted to. And I don’t want to. Knowing you again has opened up so much in life for me. You remind me to be curious, to learn new things, to enjoy myself. To be who I am.
It seems to me that forcing one’s will on other people is a reflexive sort of narcissism: you believe that everything they do, because of their relationship to you, reflects on you. In marriage (I won’t say which one or one(s)) I’ve had my career goals disparaged, my political beliefs poo-pooed, my friends and family treated with hostility, the range of my permitted singing voice truncated, my sense of humor banned.
Not that I’m a shining example of loving someone I’m married to for precisely who they are. I, too, have fallen into the trap of “You can’t do that/say that because you are my husband.” What poppycock!
Look out! She’s using strong language.
The next thing you know she’ll say piffle!
Good thing I’ve developed the antibody against those near and dear ridiculing me! It hasn’t always been this way. I shudder when I think of all the times I’ve buckled, suppressing who I naturally am, including positive things like gifts and strengths, because they’ve made someone I felt accountable to uncomfortable. Under spousal pressure I gave up pursuing theater as a career; stifled my sense of humor; sang in the alto range though I’m naturally a soprano; voted for Regan, for pity’s sake!
All of these compromises left me feeling weak and diminished. And as I’ve already acknowledged, I’m pretty sure I’ve inflicted some of this on others, too. So I’m thinking, if spouses, partners, family or friends are being or doing something that I believe needs to be changed because of who they are to me, maybe the change that really needs to happen is for me to step back, look within myself to understand why I react to them the way I do, and fix that, instead.
It’s even worse when someone close to you blames you for what are, in fact, their issues. If someone accuses you of being responsible for their own weakness they are transferring ownership of their problem to you. Suddenly, it’s your job to fix it. In retrospect, I’m amazed at how many times I’ve fallen for this set-up:
“Sopranos are screechy. I can’t stand to listen to them.”
“You’re going to counseling? Good! Then you can get fixed and we can get back to normal.”
And don’t get me started on the topic of erectile dysfunction.
On what?
Close your ears, 9.
When you love someone- -spouse, partner, family member, friend- -you like them, too, right? And you like them because they are who they are- -at least, it probably started out that way. So I’m making it my business to distance myself from feelings of ownership toward other people when they arise. Feeling ownership of another person is a crazily unhealthy way to operate, and the forced togetherness of the pandemic is inflaming it for people who live with others. We probably need a designated holiday when we all back off from trying to reform each other and just let it be.
We could call it “You Don’t Have The Right” Day.
Or maybe “I’ve Gotta Be Me” Day.
Excellent suggestions, you two.
And, paraphrasing that paragon of social equanimity, Fred Rogers, have I told you lately that I like you just the way you are?
Beautifully said, all y’all. I think of it like this: If my happiness or lack of anxiety (or any other desired state of mind) is dependent upon working on you to get you to do something, or stop doing something, so that I can feel this desired way, that is a lot of work. And if I think about it that way, it’s much more efficient for me to work on my own self, “my side of the street” as a friend’s counselor once brilliantly said. And on my side of the street is all the work around why I think my partner (or friend or family member) is there to do anything more than exist for me to love. Like a cat, or a dog. Mostly they are just there for us to love and we don’t have very many other requirements of them. Yes, destructive behavior (scratching the furniture, pooping or peeing in places that require a lot of cleanup, or chewing the squeakies out of our favorite friends, are worthy of change, but otherwise, sleep all day? That’s okay. You never put your dishes in the dishwasher, or even in the sink? I got it. I’m willing to do all the shopping and dealing with your pickiness and cleaning up, just so I can love you. And while you are *mine* in a certain sense, it’s only because you let me. Wait … what were we talking about? Oh, erectile disfunction – I remember.
Talk about a bang-up ending, Cynthia! Yours made me laugh out loud. Thanks for letting me know how things work on Your Side of the Street, that’s an excellent image and a smart way to proceed.
Great essay Susan!
Thank you, Linnea!
You voted for REGAN?? Holy Crap! Gretch must be rolling in her grave! 😉
Just goes to show you what a very effective bully can do. . .
Such wise insight about a serious issue in relationships, presented with your usual touch of humor and lightness to make it more palatable. Thank you. 🙏🏼💕
It’s amazing how many years it took for me to figure all of that out, Penney! If only we humans could get out of our own way sometimes. Sheesh!