A bizarre thing has been happening to me for the past two weeks. It started the evening of April 6, when I attended Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire at the local Cineplex. This movie genre is known as kaiju, a Japanese word meaning “strange creature” (or, for our English-speaking friends, “monster”). Nearly two hours of immersion in the world of Godzilla, Kong, Mothra and other stock kaiju players might have stimulated the neuron in my brain that translates unusual events into Horror Movie Pitches. It was further sparked this Tuesday by a misadventure with my FitBit.

FitBit in uncooked rice rehab, side view.

That watch thingy? I hope there’s no blood!


I refuse to tell you, 9, it would ruin the suspense!


Personally, I think monster movies, and FitBits, are silly.


I’m sure dozens of high-profile film critics and sports watch junkies agree with you, Lily. The movies I have in mind would fall into a sub genre, something I’ll call cozy horror.


I don’t get it?


It’s a concept I nabbed from the literary novel sub genre, cozy mysteries. Here’s an unattributed definition from someone or other online:


“Cozy mysteries, also referred to as ‘cosy mysteries’ or ‘cozies’, are a sub-genre of crime fiction in which sex and violence occur offstage, the detective is an amateur sleuth, and the crime and detection take place in a small, socially intimate community”


Okay, so if there’s blood I won’t have to see it.


Good point. I will define cozy horror as terrifying things that happen in a small community, or even at the YMCA, that have a hint of the paranormal. For example:


The Phantom FitBit!

Protagonist AQUA GREEN, distracted by the poolside conspiracy theory ravings of another swimmer, forgets to turn on the water lock on her fitness tracker watch when she gets in the pool, and inadvertently drowns it! The accidental death is not discovered until Ms. Green completes her usual 2.2 k swim. By then it is too late. . .or is it? In an act of desperation she buries the deceased FitBit in uncooked rice. Two days later the gadget remains stubbornly DOA. In her grief she orders a replacement and returns to the pool, sans tracker.

But. . .what is that familiar sensation encircling her non-dominant wrist, the rubbery embrace that shivers with each successive stroke? It’s. . .no, it can’t possibly be, but. . .Green feels the phantom grip of the dead FitBit!


Are you finished?


I am, Lily. When giving a pitch you want to leave them wanting more. And speaking of more, how about “Attack of the Killer Dogwood”? Or “Invasion of the Door Prizes”?

FitBit, in uncooked rice rehab, top view.

The new FitBit arrives today, right?


Way to kill the suspense!


Someone has to put on the brakes.


Yeah, I know. But I honestly do feel bad about accidentally killing the first one, and I really could feel it on my wrist when I was swimming yesterday. Sure you don’t want to hear about “Return of the FitBit,” or “FitBit Swims Again”?




The poor, drowned FitBit is still nestled in uncooked rice but if I can’t get it to charge 72 hours after the “incident,” around noon today, it truly will be time to say goodbye.

FitBit on life support. Will Sleeping Beauty awake by noon?

Maybe we should do a memorial thingy for it? It might help you feel better.


Good idea, 9. We can call it “Requiem for a FitBit.”

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