My own big self, 1962.
Many years ago, a co-worker was telling a story about her young granddaughter. I don’t remember what the child’s achievement was, but I do remember that she’d said with pride she’d done it her own big self.
Independence is a good thing, especially when there’s no one around to do things for you. This is a concept I understood when I was first away from home. It felt good to be responsible for me and all the maintenance therein. My first year of college, even doing my own laundry was a joy. If something I wanted to wear was dirty, it was up to me to wash it. There’s power in that kind of living.
There are so many ways I’ve connected with my own big self these past several months. When I was part of a couple, I came to rely on Bruce for lots of things, to the degree of taking those things for granted. Like dinner. Many times I’ve stared at the clock in the early evening thinking I know I have to eat something, but what? Some days, it just seems too hard. My own big self gets a touch whiny when I tie on my apron and slog forward. With time, I’ve learned to decide what I’ll have for dinner early in the day, put a plan in place, and pull things out of the freezer if necessary. My own big self has to face it, making dinner is not that hard. I’ve just lost the discipline of doing it.
Anything to do with vehicles was Bruce’s turf and I willingly stayed off it. It seemed like a joke when a recall notice for the Subaru showed up this February (you guessed it: passenger seat airbag). I mean, it’s a 2011. They had plenty of time to figure this out before Bruce died! It took me a month to make the appointment and a month of waiting after that. And, even though we’d bought the car right here in Walla Walla, for recall items the nearest authorized facility is in Pasco, 60 miles away.
Have I mentioned that I hate driving to Pasco? Whine, whine, whine. But two days ago my own big self got there and back again with a pretty short wait in between. Silly as it sounds, doing this chore was a big deal for me. I literally patted myself on the back and said good girl when I got home. Whatever it takes to keep me going. And things are always going.
This week the water in one of the bathroom toilet tanks wouldn’t stop running. When I lifted the lid and looked inside, something about the bent paperclips holding the components together made me think of a Rube Goldberg machine. After jiggling this and that without result, my own big self made an appointment with a plumber. Two days later, I even remembered to turn off the toilet’s water valve to eliminate the thunderous noise of churning toilet tank rapids.
Then the tap water suddenly tasted funny, spiked with a bass note of algae. Not even I thought this was related to the toilet issue, so you see I am making progress. My own big self called the city water quality department to file my report. Turns out they had switched over to a well this Monday that hadn’t been used for a couple of years, a thoroughly tested and properly treated well that is perfectly safe to drink from though it tastes a little off. Check that one off the list.
The gas fireplace was serviced. Two cats went to the vet for rechecks on kidney, thyroid, etc. Everything is getting done, and there’s a beauty in that. I’m still chugging along on agent queries, manuscript revisions, first drafts of new projects, contest entries, research and the rest of it. Seems like I’m forgetting something.
Oh yes. Dinner.
Stir fry, the “Hail Mary Pass” of quick one-person dinners
I love your wit in your writing! You Got this! Love you! Barb
Thanks, Barb! BTW, I loved that 7th grade cheerleader photo. Clearly we were much better than North Mason because, hey, they could only afford 3 cheerleaders. . .Susan
Nice, You do have this. They say time heals all things. But sometimes it takes longer then we would like. But like cousin Barb said ” You Got this” and yep you do and Bruce is smiling down at you and saying ” you go girl”. Hugs. Oh and I remember that two year old.
Thanks, Wendy!
My preferred method of handling repairs is, call someone. I am so inept I make things worse if I try to do it. And I am too old for this shit!
I am making sure I have a notebook with all the financial information because I have always take care of it. Frank would be screwed without some direction.
I suppose losing someone suddenly drives home all they did as their half of a couple. I think the worst thing for we humans is to pass and have people say, “Meh”.
Bruce definitely did his half, perhaps more, in this couple. He was a dedicated cleaner, too, cleaned the bathrooms and dusted and vacuumed for years! No way am I saying “Meh” to recent events. Every day I discover or realize something he used to do that’s not on my radar. For example, just looked up the mileage on the Subaru when the oil was last changed. Now I need to look up the interval recommended for Subaru Forrester oil change and I’ll be set!
Your own big self is pretty awesome to keep on keeping on, leading, perhaps pushing, other parts of yourself down this new road…..and writing about it with your usual wit.
You are right about the sometimes pushing myself down the new road, Penney. I am grateful for my renewed and renewing spirit that’s making me more inclined to take on new things.
For some reason I have not seen your blog for awhile! Must be Facebook playing with me and my page. I love reading your posts. They’re just the right length, very entertaining and (hopefully) extremely therapeutic for you.
You remind some of us how lucky we are to have “the other half” to take care of some of the day to day things we don’t really think about. In my case, I am doing some of the things I never used to do just because as we get older abilities and technology change(s) but some brains don’t. I have googled and YouTubed many topics in order to learn how to “fix”. It is probably not a bad thing to learn stuff along the way.
Since I’m not working any more I have a list of no less than 30 people/couples that I intend to personally visit at least one more time before I no longer can. Your name is definitely on that list!
It feels good to know you’re doing well. I’m sure it makes Bruce feel good too!
So good of you to have me on your “list” Kathi! I look forward to seeing you sometime.